Pride manifests and disguises itself in many ways. Like fear. Fear makes us think of loss, especially the loss of our own happiness. Fear also makes us suspicious of our happiness. Fear traps us into a bubble of our own self-directed thoughts, never seeing the wonderful things in us and outside us. It takes this certain self-love to make us believe that we should preserve ourselves and thus not take any chances. And yet we know, that if we want to experience happiness, we have to overcome this tangle of self-preservation and this paranoia of loss.
Pride also lives in a seething resentment that we tend to keep locked up inside of us. It is a cancer that consumes us very slowly and painfully. It is a demon that always comes back to remind us of the hurt, the pain, the sorrow. And yet, we know that the past is always something that we have to forgive and ultimately, let go.
And finally, pride ironically finds itself in self-pity. I am acquainted with this feeling very well, and I can tell you first-hand that it is a wound that is difficult to heal. It is poison. It is a lingering need for affirmation that never seems satiated. It is like being stuck in a nightmare and never wanting or even willing to wake up from it, as if all the negative thoughts, memories, and emotions are replayed over and over inside your head, and you don’t take your eyes off of every second of it.
And looking back now at the many faces that pride masquerades as, I realize that my life and its share of melancholy have been defined by these very demons. It is difficult to admit it. But it is what it is. And I hope that I would turn into what I should be. So I constantly ask myself why I always ask for something more when I’ve already got so much. Why do I focus on the absent and remain absorbed in the emptiness? Why do I suffer in imagined losses when right here, right now, in my very hands are the things that I have gained: wisdom, experience, a new beginning, and even a hand to hold and guide me? It is nice to simply indulge all these happy, rational, and unanswered questions and just let them remain so just because they don’t need answers. But the melancholy fact is, they are unanswered. And it will take time and a lot of patience.