This Silence

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Most times, I don’t know what to say. And often that comes across as me being unfriendly. Well, silence is associated with coldness, I suppose. But I am far from cold. If there’s anything cold with me, it’s only my hands or my feet. It’s winter, and I get cold very easily.

But really, I am burning to say a lot of things. Only I’m hindered by some things I couldn’t really understand. Maybe it’s a fear of rejection. Or harsh judgment, criticism. A fear of being told that ‘we’ don’t say this or that expression. Wrong grammar. Or a fear of coming across as stupid. Or even racist. I don’t know.

But for the longest time, I’ve been caged in my own little world that I’ve lost perspective of what the real world is like. Or even if there is one. I’d like to think that we create our own bubbles of reality. And for some reason, mine is just so different that it’s difficult to understand it.

I’m feeling very tired because of this. I really wish I could talk more. Or express myself better. And what the frack am I even doing teaching English? And what was I thinking taking up a graduate course in Languages? It’s ironic, isn’t it? The person who studies and teaches languages is more accustomed to silence. When the class is over and good-bye’s are said, there’s only silence.

I like to leave last after a long day’s work sometimes, so I can be alone in the teacher’s room. It’s not that I don’t like being with my colleagues or talking to them. On the contrary, I love talking to them or just listening to their stories. But there are times when I find it comforting when I don’t need to say anything or to explain myself. I hope you understand.

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